Category Archives: Mental Health

Mental Health

Whatever

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I finally removed the “out sick” status from my Github profile after almost 4 years. I set the status to “out sick” when I had a mental break and stopped working back in June of 2020.

I’m doing better today but I’m not healed, rather I’m finally starting to accept that I’m disabled now and not “just recovering”. Eventually I will publish a blog post about how I became disabled but it’s still hard to write about it without getting overwhelmed and frustrated.

I also changed my Github status because I’ve been working on one of my websites with some success and I’ve been feeling good about that.

I’m sharing this because I’d like to start blogging more and it seemed bloggable. 🙂

Mental Health

No JOB is worth your mental health.

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No JOB is worth your mental health.

– Brigette Hyacinth, on LinkedIn

I wish more than anything that I had quit my toxic job after the first year. Staying for three and a half years and working for a toxic manager and with a bullying, insecure, narcissistic team mate wrecked my mental health and destroyed the career I worked so hard to build. 

I’d never had a manic episode in my life, then I had two manic episodes about a year apart while working there. The second one hospitalized me and left me disabled. That was two years ago, right around this time. In fact, the 2 year anniversary of my hospitalization is less than 2 weeks away. 

Fast forward 2 years and I’m now on permanent disability and I have not worked since. I try to be positive and tell myself I’m going to get back to work eventually but truthfully I’m not sure if I’ll ever work again. I will never forgive those guys. I’ll never forgive my manager for his cowardice, gaslighting and dishonesty, and I’ll never forgive my team mate for his toxic insecurity, his need to be the “go-to guy” on everything, and his relentless, calculated campaign to tear me down. I hate them both.

My advice is follow your heart and your gut, if things don’t seem right, just leave. Pay, benefits, whatever, It’s not worth it to stay on and try to make it work.

Mental Health

16 Years Drug & Alcohol Free

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Man, I’ve got 16 years clean today. I knew the date was coming but I’ve been so busy that I didn’t realize today is the 19th, until my wife texted me this morning and congratulated me.

It’s been a great year. I’m no longer self employed, I took a gig doing web development at an agency called Ainsley & Co. and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. 2 years working for myself was an amazing experience, no doubt, but a really good opportunity came my way and I took it. Now I commute 15 minutes to my job and spend my day doing great work with an incredible group of people.

I’ve also lost about 50 pounds over the past year, woot! Simon and Jen are doing great, and Jen and I are finally starting to see real progress towards our long term goals.

I feel lame that I’m not writing more, but I did write a pretty epic post last year if anyone wants to check it out.

I don’t know what else to say, other than, thank you, I’m so grateful. 🙂

Mental Health

Emily Dickinson

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I felt a Cleaving in my Mind—
As if my Brain had split—
I tried to match it—Seam by Seam—
But could not make it fit.

The thought behind, I strove to join
Unto the thought before—
But Sequence ravelled out of Sound
Like Balls—upon a Floor.


– Emily Dickinson

I’m reading Driven To Distraction, by Edward M. Hallowell. Dr. Hallowell presents this poem, by Emily Dickinson, as an unintentional, but perfect description of the ADD mind.

I can’t say I’m any sort of poetry expert, but this is beautiful and I absolutely relate to the ADD comparison.